i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
