Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
