Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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