im drinking this country out of the recession.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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