Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
