i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
