I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I believe in your delicious
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