Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
