I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
