Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
