thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!