I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good