i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
