I want to make a zoo with you.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
