I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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