tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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