I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
