I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
