I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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