as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
