I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
