went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
