i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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