Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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