you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
