There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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