he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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