So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Jerry, you need to find god
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
only if we run a train.
done.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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