i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
