I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
