Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
