went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
