I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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