Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
