My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
