watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
