when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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