Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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