If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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