i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
