i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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