I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
