This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just gargled with NyQuil
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
