The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
ttyl tear gas
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
