I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
