its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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