Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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