Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
