There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
