It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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