Having a random hookup so left but love u
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
