4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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