My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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