i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
