I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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