i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
