We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
pop tarts are not kleenex
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
